Studying Scriptures On a Holiday

 Today is a work and school holiday and I wanted to study my scriptures anyway. I'm taking this as a really good sign that I am slowly building scripture study habits that I find meaningful and that I enjoy. One of the things that has been super helpful for my scripture motivation has been reading the book of Mormon as a family each night. As we study together, my desire to study on my own grows. As I study on my own, I want to study with my family. It has been a very positive cycle. 

I'm back in Women of the Word, chapter 2, which starts out with this verse: 

Romans 15:4 For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.

I am excited as I see my continual efforts in the scriptures slowly building my hope in the scriptures. 

This chapter was one in which I just needed to do a lot of reading and pondering. Here are some things I learned: 

1. In order to break an unhelpful habit, I first need to see just how much I am doing it and how it impacts my life and those around me. 

2. Approaching the scriptures in an attempt to "feel" better leaves me with a shaky foundation for when I come across a scripture that questions my feelings. 

3. God is way more concerned with the decision maker than with any individual decision we may make. 

4. Books about the bible are easier to understand, but don't allow me to grow bible literacy. This one hit me hard, because I literally have been studying the book- Women of the Word, as a large part of my scripture study. It makes me grateful that I have also been reading scriptures as a family every day, but this one I may need to revisit to see how I can better keep diving into the scriptures during my study. 

Since I learned these things, I turned to Genesis chapter 1: 

1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

3 And God said, Let there be blight: and there was light.

4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

6 ¶ And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

9 ¶ And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto bone place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.

14 ¶ And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

18 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

21 And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

24 ¶ And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

26 ¶ And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

29 ¶ And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

In these versus, I learn that God is a creator, the creator of all that is and of me! I learn that he cares about goodness and that this earth was made very good for us to live on. I am so thankful that the bible starts out this way, and grateful to study the scriptures on a holiday. It makes it into a holy day. 

Back in The Saddle: Back From Vacation

Our family trip to Dallas was fantastic. 

It was also extremely exhausting. Welcome to traveling with narcolepsy and children. 

Today is actually the third day back for us- I'm only just now getting back into not collapsing into a heap and letting out tears after getting the kids off to school in the morning. 

Life can be exhausting at times. Social media sure doesn't help that situation. Neither does winter depression. 

I have a life goal of eventually working into a position where I can travel to warmer locations every winter. Fingers-crossed it works out for me! I really love to dream, but now its time to buckle down and study God's word. 

In Women of the Word, she quotes a pleasure-researcher, Paul Bloom in explaining how do you get more pleasure out of life? Study more. By learning about a thing, you learn to enjoy it more. I wonder if I learned more about Utah's winter weather if I might enjoy it more? Not related to coming to know God, perhaps, but very relevant to my current struggle....

Psalm 16:11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

As I come to know the Lord, His history, His acts, I can find more heart-felt pleasure in the Lord and what He is doing in my life and in the lives of my children, parents, all who are around me! 

In the section: God Before Me, Mind Before Heart, I learned the importance of putting myself on the back-burner so to speak as I focus first on God. By focusing first on God, I will learn what He wants me to know, feel His love for me, and be directed and nourished in the correct order. 

Here are the final questions for reflection, and my answers: 

   

1. I have seen the scriptures as a book about me when I expect to be emotionally moved and comforted by every verse of scripture I read. This isn't really realistic. It definitely has caused unneeded doubt in my heart. When I see the scriptures as being about God, and I focus on using my mind to learn about Him, it becomes like other study topics, something I can dive deeply in with enjoyment, not expecting to feel or be moved by any particular idea. 

2. I totally fall into measuring the strength of my faith by how I feel! This is why depression has been so very painful for me. It deadens all feeling and makes me worry that I don't have faith, that I don't love God, even that I don't love my husband or children! The danger of trusting feelings is that there is much that is temporal and not under my control that goes into these feelings. 

3. I love the idea that if I love playing the piano, I will make a disciplined study of it, it will become an important part of my life. By focusing on coming to know God and making a disciplined study of Him, I can find a closure relationship with Him, just as I come to know my spouse through getting to know him deeply. 

4. I have been taught and have believed some pretty nasty things about God and my relationship with Him- namely that in order to be worthy of being saved in the celestial kingdom I had to be as near to being perfect as made no difference. Doubt and questioning were shamed, rules were made up to keep me "far from the line" of actual sin. You were allowed to sin in not praying deeply enough or not studying scripture deeply enough, but to leave the church for any reason opened you to public shaming and gossip. The idea that through the process of doubting and questioning, I could find pleasure in turning to and learning about God is a little mind-blowing to me. I guess I still, deep down, struggle with the belief that righteousness equates to suffering. You must attend church every single Sunday, even on vacation with family. You must shun things you find pleasure in, because that could lead to carnality. I have been very well taught how to fear God, and to call that fear love. I have never been taught to take pleasure in my relationship with God. It sounds pleasing, and maybe even makes my learning heart nervous. 

Here is my epiphany: 

For perhaps my whole life, I have believed that there was something fundamentally wrong with me because I was taught that I should: 

Serve the Lord with fear, Ps. 2:11.

Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, Ps. 111:10.

Fear the Lord and depart from evil, Prov. 3:7.

It shall be well with them that fear God, Eccl. 8:12.

Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, Philip. 2:12.

I am starting to consider that fearing God, and trying to work out my own salvation in fear and trembling are perhaps idols I have been taught to worship. They are idols of self-castigation. They are idols that make me believe I am capable of saving myself with enough fear of God. 

Instead, I wonder if I shouldn't learn from John that:

15 Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God.

16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

17 Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Returning from Holiday Break

 One issue with setting my scripture study time to be directly after getting the girls to school is this: during school vacations, I don't have a time to study scriptures....

I did have a lovely holiday break, however, full of family and love and relaxing.

We will go back to the routine of school for 2 days, and then my family is off to a vacation to visit family in Dallas. I am already pondering ways to continue scripture study while we are away. I will likely utilize my favorite scripture of the day app, we'll see. 

Today, as it is the first day back to school for my kids, I am pondering new goals. One of my new goals is to read the Book of Mormon with my family this year. So I went looking for a year-long scripture study list. I found many, but ended up using this one. 

Today, for my personal study I am back in Women of the Word. Turnaround 2 is: Let the Mind Transform the Heart. 

Mark 12:30 "And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength, this is the first commandment." In the footnotes, heart links to commitment in the topical guide. 

Rather than looking for God's word to pamper my heart- my emotions and my desire for comfort and peace, can I remember that loving God with my heart will require commitment? That committing to something means staying true to it, even when things get hard and your not filled with bubbly happy feelings? 

Can  I love God with my mind as well? Can I love God intellectually in a time when intellect and faith are taught by men to be polar opposites? 

Several scriptures were shared that showed the importance of letting our minds lead our journey to know God, but one in particular was Romans 12:2-3: "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith." 

God has distributed to every person and to me He certainly has given me a mind capable of study and understanding. I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind as I learn about God and as I prove (or test) His commandments by living them! 

I am eager to begin letting my mind lead me on this journey of coming to know God! 

  

Day Three: What is it I Want Most?

 Today, I opened up my computer to indulge in one of my favorite hobbies- Designing house add-ons or houses in general. Once upon a time I thought I would love to be an architect, but after an internship with an architectural firm, I found out that architects have to do A LOT of boring city code lookups. 

Still, it's a hobby I have always loved since I was young and using graph paper to design houses and such. 

I am grateful that when I opened up my computer at 9:10, I was reminded that although illness and awfulness have me totally turned upside down, I have this goal to figure out how to make time for my Spiritual learning. 

So that left me pondering, what is it that I want most? I find real joy and happiness designing houses. Lately it has been a creative outlet for me to deal with the rising costs of housing to think of ways I could design accessory dwelling units (ADUs). But is that the thing above all other things I want most?

This is an important question, because I find there are so many things I find joy doing, so many things I want. Perhaps that is part of the why behind the struggle I have had finding the time and the resources to make my spiritual learning, my relationship with God happen daily. There are so many good, worthy things I find joy in. It can be easy to focus on all the good, fun, beautiful things to do and forget what it is that I want most. 

So what is it that I want most? Out of the hundreds or thousands of things I could do, what thing is most important to me to do? 

1 Corinthians 2:2&5   For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

(Image credit: Father and Son by Danny Hahlbohm)

Everything else in this life, no matter its joy or its wonder, must give way to Jesus Christ, to His crucifixion and resurrection, to faith in the power of God. There are many good and beautiful and wonderful things in this world to enjoy, but God's son, God's plan, these must come first. To know Them, this is what I want most! 

Day 2: Who has time for a schedule anyway?

It  is now 8:50 am. My cat is cuddling on my lap as I rest in bed. I'm only on the second day of trying to figure out how to make spiritual habits that work for my unique needs, and the schedule already feels thrown out the window. 

I'm trying to remind myself that this is life, this chaos of things to do, people to talk to, so many distractions and thoughts and feelings. I'm making the choice to take time now for my spiritual feasting, even if it doesn't follow the schedule I originally set out. 

For today's study I'm back in Woman of the Word. The scripture in 2 Tim 3:17 struck me: "That the [woman] of God may be complete, equipped for every good work." That's what this spiritual education is about. I want to be complete and equipped to handle this life. I know that if I can unlock a combination of prayer and scripture study that allows me to gain understanding from God, He will prepare me for the life he wants me to lead.  

So, I just read in chapter 1, Turnaround 1: Let the Bible Speak of God.

I feel like this section was written for me. The scriptures are about God. Of course they are! I know that....and yet, when I go to the scriptures it is frequently in a self-focused way. I am looking for comfort FOR ME. I am looking for direction FOR ME. I'm looking to be reassured, to be spoken to as if I was the center of the story. 

New flash: I'm not the center of the story. 

But God, and His son, Jesus Christ can become the center of my story. 

What kind of  a life would that be? 

It seems like it would be a life filled with Their peace. It would be a life in which the little embarrassments and challenges that I come up against would be anchored with God's plan, with God's will, with God's might. It seems like it would be pretty impossible to be swayed by worldly arguments if Jesus was the center of my story. It seems like it would be easier to give freely, to love without fear, to find joy. I think I want a life in which God is the center of my story. I think I want to learn how to read the scriptures to learn all about God rather than to learn about myself. I think I can trust that as His daughter, the best way to understand who I am is to know who He is. 

I'm excited! Exodus 3:14: I AM WHO I AM. My goal is to come to know Jehovah, the great I AM. 

I love this quote from this section: "The knowledge of God and the knowledge of self always go hand in hand. In fact, there can be no true knowledge of self apart from the knowledge of God. He is the only reference point that is reliable." 

Now to go enjoy some time in prayer and meditation, and maybe even writing in my journal! 

Day 1: And They're Off!

 Today I made time for my spiritual habit right after my youngest two we're on the bus. Mornings with kids can be absolute chaos and I'm in a space in my life right now where I often do have some time after they are off to myself. I'm still in my pjs, I'm honestly recovering on the couch from the stress and spoon drainage that is getting kids off to the bus, but I'm focused on my spirituality, and that's such a beautiful thing! 

I went to a book I have been considering for a long time, Women of the Word by Jenn Wilkin. 

I read the introduction. In it she talks about moving mountains one spoonful of dirt at a time. I really related to this analogy because at times my Chronic illness life feels like a mountain I am moving on spoonful of dirt at a time and I am so very limited on how many spoons I get each day! (See this summary of spoon theory)

Because I want to make sure that I am not ignoring the actual scriptures as I try to learn how to make spiritual habits that work for me, I then did a search for mountains in the scriptures. First off, wow! Mountains are quiet prevelant in the scriptures. They are often symbolic and are used frequently to draw us to know God, to have faith in Him and to overcome obstacles. Here are some versus I found powerful: 

Isiah 2:3 And many people shall go and say, Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; and he will teach us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths: for out of Zion shall go forth the law, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem.

    The invitation to come is always offered from God to us. He is always willing to teach me His ways! 

Isiah 40:4 Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain:

    I adore the reminders that the way we on earth see things is often the opposite of God's perspective. Perhaps my weaknesses (my valley's if you will) God sees as great strengths. Perhaps he loves my rough and crooked places, because He knows how to make them plain and straight. 

Amos 4:13 For, lo, he that formeth the mountains, and createth the wind, and declareth unto man what is his thought, that maketh the morning darkness, and treadeth upon the high places of the earth, The Lord, The God of hosts, is his name.

    This is the God I want to come to know, this God who creates all things, who knows my thoughts. I want to take the time needed to come to know who He is. To see Him that I may become like Him. 

At the end of the introduction, Jen includes these questions for reflection. Here are my answers: 

1. My church pedigree is an inflexible one. I was raised "Orthodox Mormon" (That's not actually a thing, but I mean I was given really strict and often made-up parental commands around the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). That inflexibility has made me severely judgmental towards what scripture study should look like. It tends to create an all-or-nothing mindset. 

2. I recognize that it is hard to trust in God when I don't make time for our relationship. I'm thirsty for spiritual sustenance in this chaotic world that is so harsh for me and my limitations. 

3. I have been taught erroneous doctrine since childhood. Much of it comes from pride- from a belief of superiority due to an ability to know the words of the scriptures without searching out their full meaning. 

4. I feel like I should be able to study the Word, after all I am currently going back to school for my second bachelor's degree so I know how to study. However, spiritual study isn't like book learning. Your heart and mind have to be involved. I honestly feel lost in part because how I studied as a young person who had different physical, mental, etc abilities doesn't work for me anymore. 

5. My biggest obstacle is finding a time for study that works, finding a method of study that doesn't put me to sleep or awaken the judgmental giant that loves to flail my spirit so harshly and figuring out how to include God in meaningful prayer that doesn't just reach the ceiling.  

Designing Spiritual Habits

 Faith is such an important part of dealing with my chronic illness. If I don't have the promise that God has a plan for me, and that all the trials of mortality will give meaning and experience to my life, I'm left questioning my value in some scary ways. 

This amazing image by Lightweave called: "The Finisher of Faith" sits in my front entry way. You can see it from so many places around the house and it is a constant reminder to me that Jesus Christ came to earth to be the finisher of all our human efforts. He knew I would make mistakes! He knew I would fall short. That is the plan and God sent Jesus to earth because he knew I would need a Savior before the world began. When I fall short, I am doing exactly as God knew I would do and every time I turn back to Christ, his hand will be outstretched to lift me up again. 

I know enough to know that having narcolepsy, I can't really build a spiritual foundation first thing in the morning or last thing at night like many people manage to do. I fall asleep just reading scripture verses. So this series will be exploring what Spiritual Habits actually work for me. 

As I begin this process, I'm just going to start with a simple prayer in my heart: May I be directed to the habits that will tie me closely to my Savior and to my Heavenly Father. May I find love for myself as I make time to feel their love for me.

Let's begin.