Day Three: What is it I Want Most?

 Today, I opened up my computer to indulge in one of my favorite hobbies- Designing house add-ons or houses in general. Once upon a time I thought I would love to be an architect, but after an internship with an architectural firm, I found out that architects have to do A LOT of boring city code lookups. 

Still, it's a hobby I have always loved since I was young and using graph paper to design houses and such. 

I am grateful that when I opened up my computer at 9:10, I was reminded that although illness and awfulness have me totally turned upside down, I have this goal to figure out how to make time for my Spiritual learning. 

So that left me pondering, what is it that I want most? I find real joy and happiness designing houses. Lately it has been a creative outlet for me to deal with the rising costs of housing to think of ways I could design accessory dwelling units (ADUs). But is that the thing above all other things I want most?

This is an important question, because I find there are so many things I find joy doing, so many things I want. Perhaps that is part of the why behind the struggle I have had finding the time and the resources to make my spiritual learning, my relationship with God happen daily. There are so many good, worthy things I find joy in. It can be easy to focus on all the good, fun, beautiful things to do and forget what it is that I want most. 

So what is it that I want most? Out of the hundreds or thousands of things I could do, what thing is most important to me to do? 

1 Corinthians 2:2&5   For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

(Image credit: Father and Son by Danny Hahlbohm)

Everything else in this life, no matter its joy or its wonder, must give way to Jesus Christ, to His crucifixion and resurrection, to faith in the power of God. There are many good and beautiful and wonderful things in this world to enjoy, but God's son, God's plan, these must come first. To know Them, this is what I want most! 

Day 2: Who has time for a schedule anyway?

It  is now 8:50 am. My cat is cuddling on my lap as I rest in bed. I'm only on the second day of trying to figure out how to make spiritual habits that work for my unique needs, and the schedule already feels thrown out the window. 

I'm trying to remind myself that this is life, this chaos of things to do, people to talk to, so many distractions and thoughts and feelings. I'm making the choice to take time now for my spiritual feasting, even if it doesn't follow the schedule I originally set out. 

For today's study I'm back in Woman of the Word. The scripture in 2 Tim 3:17 struck me: "That the [woman] of God may be complete, equipped for every good work." That's what this spiritual education is about. I want to be complete and equipped to handle this life. I know that if I can unlock a combination of prayer and scripture study that allows me to gain understanding from God, He will prepare me for the life he wants me to lead.  

So, I just read in chapter 1, Turnaround 1: Let the Bible Speak of God.

I feel like this section was written for me. The scriptures are about God. Of course they are! I know that....and yet, when I go to the scriptures it is frequently in a self-focused way. I am looking for comfort FOR ME. I am looking for direction FOR ME. I'm looking to be reassured, to be spoken to as if I was the center of the story. 

New flash: I'm not the center of the story. 

But God, and His son, Jesus Christ can become the center of my story. 

What kind of  a life would that be? 

It seems like it would be a life filled with Their peace. It would be a life in which the little embarrassments and challenges that I come up against would be anchored with God's plan, with God's will, with God's might. It seems like it would be pretty impossible to be swayed by worldly arguments if Jesus was the center of my story. It seems like it would be easier to give freely, to love without fear, to find joy. I think I want a life in which God is the center of my story. I think I want to learn how to read the scriptures to learn all about God rather than to learn about myself. I think I can trust that as His daughter, the best way to understand who I am is to know who He is. 

I'm excited! Exodus 3:14: I AM WHO I AM. My goal is to come to know Jehovah, the great I AM. 

I love this quote from this section: "The knowledge of God and the knowledge of self always go hand in hand. In fact, there can be no true knowledge of self apart from the knowledge of God. He is the only reference point that is reliable." 

Now to go enjoy some time in prayer and meditation, and maybe even writing in my journal! 

Day 1: And They're Off!

 Today I made time for my spiritual habit right after my youngest two we're on the bus. Mornings with kids can be absolute chaos and I'm in a space in my life right now where I often do have some time after they are off to myself. I'm still in my pjs, I'm honestly recovering on the couch from the stress and spoon drainage that is getting kids off to the bus, but I'm focused on my spirituality, and that's such a beautiful thing! 

I went to a book I have been considering for a long time, Women of the Word by Jenn Wilkin. 

I read the introduction. In it she talks about moving mountains one spoonful of dirt at a time. I really related to this analogy because at times my Chronic illness life feels like a mountain I am moving on spoonful of dirt at a time and I am so very limited on how many spoons I get each day! (See this summary of spoon theory)

Because I want to make sure that I am not ignoring the actual scriptures as I try to learn how to make spiritual habits that work for me, I then did a search for mountains in the scriptures. First off, wow! Mountains are quiet prevelant in the scriptures. They are often symbolic and are used frequently to draw us to know God, to have faith in Him and to overcome obstacles. Here are some versus I found powerful: 

Isiah 2:3 And many people shall go and say, Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob; and he will teach us of his ways, and we will walk in his paths: for out of Zion shall go forth the law, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem.

    The invitation to come is always offered from God to us. He is always willing to teach me His ways! 

Isiah 40:4 Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain:

    I adore the reminders that the way we on earth see things is often the opposite of God's perspective. Perhaps my weaknesses (my valley's if you will) God sees as great strengths. Perhaps he loves my rough and crooked places, because He knows how to make them plain and straight. 

Amos 4:13 For, lo, he that formeth the mountains, and createth the wind, and declareth unto man what is his thought, that maketh the morning darkness, and treadeth upon the high places of the earth, The Lord, The God of hosts, is his name.

    This is the God I want to come to know, this God who creates all things, who knows my thoughts. I want to take the time needed to come to know who He is. To see Him that I may become like Him. 

At the end of the introduction, Jen includes these questions for reflection. Here are my answers: 

1. My church pedigree is an inflexible one. I was raised "Orthodox Mormon" (That's not actually a thing, but I mean I was given really strict and often made-up parental commands around the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). That inflexibility has made me severely judgmental towards what scripture study should look like. It tends to create an all-or-nothing mindset. 

2. I recognize that it is hard to trust in God when I don't make time for our relationship. I'm thirsty for spiritual sustenance in this chaotic world that is so harsh for me and my limitations. 

3. I have been taught erroneous doctrine since childhood. Much of it comes from pride- from a belief of superiority due to an ability to know the words of the scriptures without searching out their full meaning. 

4. I feel like I should be able to study the Word, after all I am currently going back to school for my second bachelor's degree so I know how to study. However, spiritual study isn't like book learning. Your heart and mind have to be involved. I honestly feel lost in part because how I studied as a young person who had different physical, mental, etc abilities doesn't work for me anymore. 

5. My biggest obstacle is finding a time for study that works, finding a method of study that doesn't put me to sleep or awaken the judgmental giant that loves to flail my spirit so harshly and figuring out how to include God in meaningful prayer that doesn't just reach the ceiling.  

Designing Spiritual Habits

 Faith is such an important part of dealing with my chronic illness. If I don't have the promise that God has a plan for me, and that all the trials of mortality will give meaning and experience to my life, I'm left questioning my value in some scary ways. 

This amazing image by Lightweave called: "The Finisher of Faith" sits in my front entry way. You can see it from so many places around the house and it is a constant reminder to me that Jesus Christ came to earth to be the finisher of all our human efforts. He knew I would make mistakes! He knew I would fall short. That is the plan and God sent Jesus to earth because he knew I would need a Savior before the world began. When I fall short, I am doing exactly as God knew I would do and every time I turn back to Christ, his hand will be outstretched to lift me up again. 

I know enough to know that having narcolepsy, I can't really build a spiritual foundation first thing in the morning or last thing at night like many people manage to do. I fall asleep just reading scripture verses. So this series will be exploring what Spiritual Habits actually work for me. 

As I begin this process, I'm just going to start with a simple prayer in my heart: May I be directed to the habits that will tie me closely to my Savior and to my Heavenly Father. May I find love for myself as I make time to feel their love for me.

Let's begin.